Eleonora, a student and worker, tells Lunàdigas about her polyamorous relationship, her stance on the subject of children, within and outside social and family judgements. At the centre of her testimony are self-care and the invitation to self-determination.
Testimony realised for the Mediterranean Women’s Archive project with the contribution of Mediterranean Women’s Fund – Fonds pour le femmes en Méditerranée.
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Ecco la trascrizione completa del video:
ELEONORA B: «I got really mad… not only while watching the movie but also when I realized that the movie, we were going to see would focus on the justifications collected by women for women and with women about why women don’t want kids. This… I mean… Really? Are you serious? This is not okay! So, I would have called the movie… maybe “Lunàdigas” would have been the main title, under which I would have written in capital letters: “Mind your own fucking business about why I don’t want children!” because it is not your concern! At all. It will never be your concern man.
I would like to start by saying that I am fine with my sexuality, and I don’t feel the need, ever, nor I have ever did, to justify why I choose to take a stand on anything. As I have already said in class, I’m in a moment in my life in which I’m asking myself many things, I ask myself who I am, who I want to be. At 30, I got back into the game, and I enrolled at university, at an academic course that I’m very satisfied with, but at the same time, since I also have a relationship with people I really love, I ask myself if I’ll ever have children. The answer is “No, I won’t”, basically, because I am happy with what I have and because it’s already pretty hard taking care of myself alone, which very often I haven’t done.
I am a psychiatric patient, and I have been interned in a psychiatric clinic for months and, therefore, it would… I know that this is a justification but, just to make it clearer, it would be more difficult for me to take care of somebody else, and, simply, I don’t feel like doing it. I feel very selfish in this, I mean, I don’t want to take time away from me to give it to somebody else. My cats alone take a lot of my time, I have four of them, so… it is demanding. It really is demanding. Something that really bothers me about being a woman is having to justify being a woman, the fact that I have to tell somebody… that I have to justify my position on certain things, and I don’t think this is fair nor respectful, I find it debilitating! Because every time you take a stand you necessarily have to ask yourself why, when in fact the reason is: “I just took that stance, that’s it, because it’s my life and because that’s what I want to do”.
In my opinion, a huge difficulty of being a woman nowadays is that being a woman is not enough, you always need to explain what you are, why you are what you are, when you started being what you are, what are your positions on something… But you’re simply a woman and you’re complete as you are! I am a headwaiter, I run a restaurant, actually I used to, some time ago I lost my mind and I left the job. But, some time ago, I ran a restaurant. Once, a client told me: “It is really sexy for a man to be given orders by a woman”, I answered: “I am 28, I am independent, I’ve been living alone for more than ten years, I am satisfied with my life, and what I would like a man or anybody else to tell me is: You are independent, you are intelligent, you are self-determined, you are emancipated, not: You’re sexy”. And this is another thing I hate, not only because, as a woman, I have to justify that, but especially because it is a man telling me that. This, in my opinion, is linked to the importance of intersectional change.
My mother wants to be a grandmother. She always asks me: “When are you getting me a grandchild?” and I answer: “You already have four: my cats”. This gives you the idea of how firm my stance is on this and I will never change my mind! This makes me… Earlier it would make me angry actually, because I really wanted to shout her: “Jeez! I am many things! Why can’t you see the many things I am, but you simply reduce what I am to something that I’m lacking”? I mean, your daughter is many things, but despite all these things she is, you decide to only see what she is not, that is a mother. I am the mother of myself. I raised myself, I do a lot of things, I have a lot of… I fall a lot of times and every time I get back on my feet, so I feel I am the mother of myself, I’ll never want to become a mother, and I will say the same to my grandma. I will say the same to a partner who will ask me to have children: No. I don’t want children, now or ever. I am happy this way.
I am in a polyamorous relationship with a boyfriend and a girlfriend, we are… I call us “throuple”, it is not a specific term, but we are The Beatles without one of The Beatles, basically. We also share opinions, we exchange our viewpoints, we often talk about what our relationship would be like if we ever have a child, and… If it happens, but I don’t think so, maybe my girlfriend will want a child one day, but actually I have never asked her that, because I think that if this has to be a topic of conversation, she should be the one who starts it, not me asking her out of the blue: “When are you having a child?”, I find it extremely… not-so-empathetic and disrespectful, because, anyways, you are the one setting your own biological times together with your body, creating a balance that only you are able to create. If ever, one day, we have a child… if she has a child, it will be something that we decide together. For me this is an extremely free thing. I don’t feel the need to set the times, nor… to ask somebody else when are they planning to do something.
For my boyfriend a child is a no! I’m very happy about this! Because… maybe I am lucky, and this pisses me off so bad, because I feel lucky that my partner doesn’t continuously ask me: “When are we having a child”? This is bad and I realize that I am a slave of today’s times where the fact of having a child is always necessarily a topic of conversation, and if it is not like that you feel lucky, but I don’t think it should be like that! So, I would say that my throuple does really good in terms of Lunàdigas, maybe also my boyfriend is a Lunàdigo and I am really happy this way. My throuple and I, I think, we suffer social judgements simply because… none of us is used to dealing with different relational situations, I mean… I don’t want to speak out of turn, but I guess that most of us are used to taking as a reference immediately our parents. And what are our parents? A monogamous heterosexual couple. So, I can say that at the beginning it was really hard because anyways you need to set some rules, inevitably, because otherwise it will mess you up, and it’s you, on the basis of your needs and your experiences and your mistakes – you do lots of them in these situations – as in many others, but it is on the basis of those that you can set a boundary within which to move. We really suffer social judgements, simply because, indeed, people are not used to seeing three people holding each other’s hands and being affectionate in public. I personally find it very funny, of course always respecting others, it’s not that I do all these things in front of everyone, the same way I wouldn’t do it with one boyfriend or with one girlfriend. It is really funny, because by doing so you see that people… I mean, their brain “cracks”, it unhinges, and you can see their thoughts taking shape and most of the times it’s not positive thoughts, but I don’t care, simply because, as I was saying, this is my life, and… unless I make someone else uncomfortable, that is a tangible discomfort such as suffering, then I don’t think I should worry about justifying myself.
I have a big heart so I can love two people, or rather three, if including myself. In my opinion this is so beautiful, because it makes you realize that life is full of experiences that you can embrace only if you see beyond your nose. And I feel very lucky, actually, in this. It is really hard, it is very difficult, also threesome sex is very difficult, but it is beautiful! And… I don’t feel like adding anything else, or rather, I’d tell everybody: try it. At least once in your life! Because it is really great!»
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