Eleonora tells us about her life as a childfree woman, something she experienced very naturally, without feeling any taboo and without feeling judged by her family nor by her friends with children, whom she truly considers an interesting source for new learnings.
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ELEONORA: «It has not been a decision, for me it is a non-decision. I mean, since I have never had the chance to have children, I have never really considered having them. I mean, my approach is not: I have children, or I decide to not have them. I have never really felt the need or the desire to have them.
For me the problem, quote unquote, the idea of having to choose would have been switched around. If and when I had had a partner, who wanted to have children, or if I would have gotten pregnant as this happens too, I would have had to decide whether to have children, not “oh God I do not have any” or decide to not have any. It is a diametrically opposite way of thinking to what you normally hear from most people. However, it is not a need, I never had the urge, it was never a scientifically pondered decision. There is not a thought of children at all.
I got a dog few years ago, I brought him home, as he was a badly mistreated dog. When he died, people often
told me to get another one. My answer was no. I never wanted children, I do not get another dog. For me it is my instinctive way of thinking, it is not a decision, it is what I truly feel.
So, for my mother it is a worry. But I have always thought that it was not about my having children, but more about building a family.
I mean, there is still a common mentality that a child means a husband, a partner, so I never felt, not even if my mother brings it up very often, at least until some years ago, because now age is on my side to protect me from this!
However, I have never felt it as something related only to motherhood, but more on not building my own family,
which included children because it was a family unit, but it was not only about children. My mother would have never thought: “Elenora, alone with a child”. It was more for being alone, not for not having children. So, I was never pressured otherwise. I think it’s just a mother worrying a little bit about that, otherwise, neither friends, nor… The thing evolved over the years, now some of my friends are really envious…
I mean…the only times I have felt a bit judged was when, without having a direct experience of it, I have tried to give some advice, also because I am a person who is very close to my friends’ families and so, sometimes, I feel in the position to give some advise or even intervene, on certain occasions to the education of my friends’ children.
From the outside it is easier, because you notice some behaviours that do not seem correct to you, on one hand they are too hard, on the other too lenient, and so you try to give an advice and a couple of time I was told: “What do you know, you don’t have any children”. But anyway, I must say I never sensed nastiness nor judgment in any way. Sometimes this answer is an easy way out, because maybe you realise to have a weakness as a parent and so you answer instinctively. I never felt it as prejudice or malice, absolutely not.
Unfortunately, the first aspect is that it is very small, so it is immediately clear that I would not know how to raise a child in my tiny home. My house looks like a children’s house, I mean, since I am a person who loves knick-knacks, toys and board games, my house, as well as my office because luckily my job allows me to do that, is like the Willi Wonka’s factory. I collect snow globes, I have over 150 of them, so when friends come over with their children, they go crazy. If you see my home, you couldn’t say, unless you realise how small it is, that there are no children inside. I am against any form of stereotype, I think that we are all different and that everyone can have their own distinguishing marks, not situations. You understand that there is a dog if you see the bowls, of course, but not the fact that there are children.
I know children who have rooms full of books and children with rooms full of soft toys, so definitely not. Maybe in practical things, absolutely, and in the mess, maybe, but from that point in my house it seems that there are 10 children, so not even the mess is a give-away.
If someone calls me dead branch I kiss them on the forehead. I’ve been struggling with weight all my life, I would be the happiest woman on earth. No I’ve never heard it, I find it cruelly mean, but not…I think it is outdated.
I can tell you, I do not recognise it anymore not even in those people who focus totally on the family, I have never heard such a thing… Never about me, as I suppose they love me, it would not even occur to them, but not even referring to others. It would be so mean as many people can’t have children not by choice and defining them dead branches I would find it really wicked.
Absolutely to my nieces and nephews. I have two and they are wonderful, a 2-year-old and a 6-year-old. I have no doubts whatsoever that they are my descendants. Skipping my brother, before having kids, he was the one, absolutely. For me, this is also something that has been evolved over time.
I have friends who are however managers, they manage the family perfectly, however much you manage it yourself.
because financially you can afford to be helped, because this is something you need to take into account. In my opinion, a career woman has an easier life nowadays in having children because she can afford to get some help. From my point of view and seeing how I manage my life, I find it very difficult to think of full-time moms who only think about their kids. I have friends, who are very happy no doubt about what they do, spending their whole days taking kids to school, English courses, swimming, soccer, catechism and music. Always on the go, they are satisfied with their family, but suddenly their children grow up, more self-sufficient and you are at an age where it is difficult to find a paid job that allows to occupy your time. This is what it would scare me, for the way I see work.
I see it from the other side, I mean, thinking of a child, in the last ten years I could have easily afforded to have it,
because I have a job that would allow me to manage them economically.
The idea of stopping completely and giving up certain rhythms, some relationships, certain life flows, this is something I would fear. The total dedication to children, which is praiseworthy, I do not judge it, for somehow, especially thinking of my life would frighten me a little bit.
At first, I laugh about it, saying: “guys, no poops-talk for today, let’s take a break, for one day”, on the other hand, I have gained knowledge. I mean, in the morning as I work near a boarding school, I made friends with a group of parents who have breakfast together.
I used to have breakfast alone and I have been adopted by this group of parents. I know the names of all the children’s teachers; I know that on Wednesdays one girl feels sick because she has music, and she hates playing. Being a kind of topic difficult to explain, as far as I’m concerned, I’m neutral, it can have the same appeal as if we talk about science or music. For this reason, I am interested in understanding how it works, the dynamics, the peculiarities. I am not completely involved in it because it’s not in my everyday life, but for me it’s ok to discuss about poop and diapers. Sometimes I also share the knowledge. I have friends who have created a circle of discounted diapers, so who finds a deal at a supermarket warns the others, and I give tips too: “Do you know that Prenatal has discounts?”.
Since I hang out with a lot of people, who do not mind me getting involved in this kind of talk, every now and then,
I also give some practical tips. I have been going on vacation for years with married friends with children. I am really happy, although I may have taken a house. I do not give up my week with my friend and her three children. For me, it is totally normal to help out in the day-to-day management, with three little children, which is not easy on vacation. I do not know, maybe it is like an extended family, wherever I feel comfortable, I feel integrated and part of that family.
I have absolutely no urge, desires and regrets… I would still be in time maybe, as it has happened to friends even recently. Absolutely not. If you ask me with that face, it feels you don’t believe me, and I find it hard to understand why people don’t believe me. I suppose it is very complicated to understand my position, because it’s far from what most people think about it, but it is absolutely the same. I mean, when I see someone who has children, especially in certain conditions, I have to say, as you can have children even without a steady situation, otherwise you would never have them. I have to say that it is courage. I have to say that this idea does not even remotely touches me.
Although I would be good, I’m the favourite aunt, I am a reference point for many of my friends’ children. The idea of being responsible for another person, not in this moment, but in general… I had a strange path in relation to age and children because I have had three great loves in my life. The first one was from 17 to 27, we didn’t have the time to talk about children because we spilt up at an age when it was still maybe too early. The second one was involved and already had children, and for me, the conversation came up in an awful way, like: “Let’s hope we get pregnant so we can get things moving somewhere” which is something… I think I dropped everything two days after that statement. While, the third person, who goes back to a few years and who already had a daughter, the moment he realised that the story was getting serious, we were both involved, has told me: “Let’s get over the children’s theme right away”. I did not think about the answer he expected, and I told him: “Never”. I risked everything as I didn’t know if he wanted children, and he said: “You are my ideal woman, so…” The people I have met for different reasons, in different times or different mind settings, or because of previous situations, have never triggered the need to have to decide whether or not talking about having children, rather than about not having them. In this maybe, I was also facilitated because of my initial position.
So, my boss, a woman of course, did not know I was here selling Christmas stars and said: “What are you doing here”? I said: “I do some charity, when I can, I want to help out. Since you are here, unexpectedly, I’ll tell you, I am being interviewed for a documentary about women who have never wanted children”. “Hey, didn’t you tell them you do not have a man?” she replied. I didn’t know what to answer, from a certain point of view it was true, isn’t it? I did not feel like getting into the philosophy of life at 45, so I kept the comment: “You are right, I am going to tell them”.
This was my meeting half an hour ago, but I cannot see any meanness nor… When things are so genuine, from the heart. I really love them. Since it is not a traumatic topic for me, I don’t see any hints to a conspiracy behind these statements, especially when they are meant as a joke, which that was clearly one. However, when you asked me if I have ever felt judged, I can tell you that even if there was any willingness to be mean or judgy in some way, I feel so at peace with this that I might not even felt it. Unless it came from someone clearly hostile with whom you don’t get along, where certain things are said on purpose. But I… I mean, I would not even notice if there was a veiled judgment behind certain statements, I just would not notice it.
I took your offer in less than 10 minutes, the only hesitation was about going… being in a work that somehow comes close to mine, if I could have done it or not, but it is not a topic I have no trouble talking about it. I talk about it as I could talk about my passion for shoes, I mean, for me, it is not something I consider a taboo, or diversity of any kind. On the contrary, since I know that some people struggle to understand this point of view… If you could manage to explain it, I would struggle much less, maybe. I’ve had a couple of friends who told me: “it is not possible, it can’t be true”. In that case I don’t waste time explaining you, as it won’t change your life. I am fine anyway, so when I find this lack of understanding, as if it were… such as: “analyse it, as this not normal”, I do not go into it much, because I get nothing out of it, and I do not need to convince anyone. So, maybe I do not discuss it too much with a person who finds it hard to believe it as I don’t really want to explain it, it is not worth it.»
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