Elisabetta, actress and director, speaks about the reason that pushed her, since she was a young girl, to try and live a fertile life regardless of marriage and motherhood, far from labeling and social judgement.
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ELISABETTA: «I must say that when I was asked by some friends of mine, to talk about fertility and motherhood, I was … I was a bit… the thing intrigued me at once, although at the same time, soon after, I told myself: “but what could I possibly say about this topic?” Because I never really had a final and definite thought on the subject.
It’s not easy to talk about… about non-motherhood or loneliness in one’s life. It’s difficult to talk about it because generally your friends, both women and men say: “It’s virtually impossible to live alone, we are made to live together with others”. But then again, delving a bit deeper on the subject, you realize that this not being alone, or this living together, only refers to family and children. And honestly I never felt like this, not even as a young girl.
When I was younger, my school friends when talking about their life plans, which included studying, getting a degree and have a career… the first thing they said was: “then I will get married, and will have one to three children”. I could never feel that way, and I am not sure exactly why, because in my life… I am not sure why I could never see myself in a traditional family with an unspecified number of children. I don’t know, I just knew I wanted more, clearly something more than a traditional family, as I knew it, which doesn’t necessarily mean not having children.vI don’t believe a woman is not fertile just because she bears no children. I think any woman, as such, is fertile, since she cultivates, yearns, thinks, takes cares of her own desires. Hence I think that a woman with no children can be as fertile as a woman who has raised children. I think that fertility exists in life, beyond motherhood itself.
In my life, I must say I never really thought at some point that I did not want children. On the contrary, I must say, while my friends were thinking of a traditional family, if I had to think about something I desired, well, I would… my vision was about a community, or an extended family. A huge place which could contain everything, which could contain many mothers and fathers, and possibly also many children, both your own and not, children who would feel themselves at home there, who could consider it their home. If I had to have a dream, that was the one, which obviously life did not grant me.
In my professional life, I come across many people, I work with education and training.
I help children, I also help young adults, and sometimes also adults, to bring out their ability to express themselves, their desire to communicate. Part of my life is dedicated to theatre, I help myself, but also other people to develop this theatre language. Therefore, I deal and meet really with many people, and also many children, who desire to express themselves, who desire to find their own way. I look after them, I accompany them through a part of this journey, a journey that ends there though, doesn’t it? I start with children at a certain age, and walk with them for a part of their journey, and then I leave them to themselves, because they have found their own path. I think these encounters are… follow the same path… I think they follow a similar path with motherhood. I look after them, I raise them, and then I let them go their own way. If there is something that I never appreciated regarding the thought of… something which I always felt kind of dangerous, with traditional families, is that children are owned by their mothers and fathers.
Let’s say that until a certain point, the mere fact of not being married nor a mother, was not a problem, not a problem with people around me, I didn’t need to justify myself. From a certain point onwards, it became more complicated because people start to look at you suspiciously.
You not being a mother, nor a married woman, especially in some circles, but really in all environments, be it catholic or non-religious, or whatever… The fact that it is hard to label you is a problem. People feel the need to know if you are gay, if you are… what are your desires. You must somehow say which place you ihhabit. The problem is that I believe I don’t want to inhabit any place, I don’t want to be labeled. I think I still have not decided what I want to do in life, I believe I need all the time and my whole life to be able to decide. So… being labeled is a problem for me, as well as the need to explain myself.
For instance, I find it hard to explain that I am happy even if I am not a mother, because I would like people to see that I am happy, period. Or that sometimes I am happy and others I am sad, because that’s life, with its ups and downs, with moments when you are very fertile and others very unproductive. I believe, looking at my friends who are mothers, that they live a journey similar to mine. They experience some very fertile moments as mothers, but also some very fruitless moments living their motherhood. Because that’s the way life is. Because life is a mystery, for each and every one. I think what I can’t really stand is being labeled. I wish I could just say that I am a woman, not that I am a mother or a spouse, or that I am divorced, or married, or that I have a lover, because in life you go through phases, and you can find all of these things or none. That’s what I believe.
I think there is something very important, not sure if it’s clear enough, and easy to explain.
All things considered, in my experience as a daughter, I have been a rather complex and articulate daughter, with complex and articulate parents, very beautiful, who did all they could as a father and a mother, but… My view is… I think that the most important and most difficult thing, for a mother, a father, but also for the children, is understanding when it is the right time to go. Mothers must let their children go, as well as fathers must do, because sometime it is even harder for fathers especially with daughters, let children take their path. And I think that it is important for a daughter or a son to go. The term going, leaving, letting go that may sound negative, is instead crucial in the experience as mothers, fathers, or children.
Surely, in my path I have had remarkable women’s role models, who taught me to be free. Women who were not mothers, or they were not mothers in the traditional way, but who have been great mothers for me. That is why I feel very lucky, I had the chance to make very lucky and beautiful encounters, which shaped me. They taught me a different life wisdom, greater, just as I desired it. A woman in literature who truly inspired me is the poet Emily Dikinson, who managed to… whose poems and words have given me… she has given me new worlds, new unimaginable worlds. What always intrigued me about Emily Dickinson, was her complete solitude, and her ability to discover a world within her own room.
I think that probably the topic which may still be unsettled, is regarding my legacy, as I would not know today, who shall I leave my things. Or maybe I do, the way my life progressed unfolded in these years, I think crucial, important are the chance encounters… even the temporary ones. I don’t believe in unconditional loves or ever-lasting loves, not because I think they do not exist, I do believe they exist, I also think that there are life-long relationships which you may not immediately take up, but that they are there for you. On the other hand I strongly believe in encounters that happen and then fade away, crucial connections, that may last just one day, or a week, or a month, and then you don’t see them again. I believe these can also be a legacy, I think that if I meet someone even only for a single day, and if in that moment I feel that… that it is right to leave my legacy, well, I would, even if I would never see him again. There aren’t any women in my family who made me feel uncomfortable for not being married and have no children. I must say that my mum tells me from time to time that she would have loved to be my children’s grandmother. Clearly this has not been possible, but she never made me feel uneasy. I must say that my grandmother’s sister, who died when she was 107, she got married very young, because you lived in a patriarchal family, and so you had to leave your family very soon, in order to join another family. That is to say, the men of the family gave, surrendered the women of their family to another family. I must say that my aunt, my grandmother’s sister, who died when she was 107, felt rather sad about this. She would have rather not married nor have five children, of whom three she saw them die, since she had lived so long.
When I was a young girl, my aunt, who was from Veneto, often asked me if I was engaged, depending on the moment. I would reply, depending on the moment, either yes or no. She used to look at me telling me, “Good for you, because if you make love with one, you can no longer make love with all the others”. This thing I must say, at the age of 15, made me really laugh. Right, I think that these few words, are words that have been with me all my life.
In my journey I had… yes, I had at least two men who asked me to marry and have children.
I must say that I might have liked having children, but the thought behind it is more or less this: not having children now… There…I have not chosen not to have children, or at least not intentionally, it was a consequence of not wanting to get married, if I must put it into words.
I don’t have any judgement about abortion, I think every woman has the right to choose.
I think that ‘choice’ is a big word. We, women, are not always able to choose. We can decide what to do, and abortion is not necessarily an informed choice, although maybe it is the only option, hence, I have great respect for it.»
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