Francesca, an artist and performer, recounts her experience of motherhood, desired but not in line with common rhetoric, rather made of a daily exercise applied to self-definition, couple relationships, and work management. Francesca’s is an invitation to share women’s stories so that they can articulate their reproductive choices in a more conscious way.

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Ecco la trascrizione completa del video:

FRANCESCA: «I am a performer, a multidisciplinary artist, a dancer, author, a therapist. I don’t know which one of the many hats to wear. No, just kidding. I struggle a lot to give a definition. I’m within a complexity, so, in short, in a process that has chosen, or it was chosen, or rather I was chosen for the use of some languages to be in the world and to explain to myself the world a little bit. That’s it.
I have a son, I chose to have a child. It wasn’t a completely conscious choice, surely he was desired. Somehow I called him. In fact, it’s also a nice story, because I called him the night of my birthday, under the stars, on a boat. And exactly one year later, on my birthday, I had my first contractions and the next day he was born, with two wonderful rainbows in the sky, so beautiful. But even there, pretty complex, because it was not a conscious choice, so a very damaged landscape has opened up. And damaging.
There have been a lot of times when I felt very sorry for this choice, apart from the love I have for him and the beauty that I know he has. But precisely with respect to motherhood, even sharing views with friends very honestly, I said to myself, but why? But then again, why not a cactus to take care of? I wish! But no, in fact, I often use this… this expression, If I’ll have another life, never again. Much contemplation and so much more, but not this. Precisely for the non-possibility to experience motherhood peacefully. In a way… Not necessarily deprivating, that’s it.
Because… surely it is one, at least for me it is, it’s an overwhelming experience, but I can deal with overwhelming.
But deprivation, which has nothing to do with sacrifice, as making something sacred, it is indeed a depriving condition with respect to… also in the work context, in the context where I work.
Therefore dedicating a great deal to caring in the relationship with him, and also the unbalanced distribution of roles within the couple did not let me, or rather, it allowed me but only with a huge exhaustion, putting at risk my psychophysical health, to be able to continue to do my job. So, maybe in the next life, I’d rather choose contemplation.
I don’t think I’ve met women aware of this type of possible narration, to be able to narrate yourself amidst such difficulty. So, also thinking about my mother, who was a woman in my opinion even brave with respect to some choices, aware for others, with respect to this narrative here she wasn’t, she has not been… she didn’t… she didn’t tell me. True, she was in a different condition, different times. I was born in the late 1970s, and at the turn of the 80s, my childhood, with a father also very present, very capable of measuring himself.
My grandmother had somehow warned me a little my grandmother is from 1915, so basically another era, another structure. A tough woman, but she didn’t talk to me about motherhood, she told me about the couple. She used to say: “Think about it before getting married. Think about it very carefully. Not before 30!” So much so that in fact I did skip a wedding, that is, I arrived almost there… and then withdrawn. But not about motherhood, no, I haven’t had those narratives. And I think that I might have listened to. Yes, I think it could have made a difference.
I questioned myself a lot on… And I haven’t found an answer yet. As if, at a certain point, there was so much talk of the biological clock. The much-mentioned biological clock, so I felt I had to have a child, I felt I had this desire because my body demanded it, my being prone to care. But, in fact, later I wondered, is it the biological clock or it’s just pressure, storytelling, induced thinking? Or indeed, colonization of thought? I don’t have an answer.
I talk about it often with my friends especially two I’ve recently met and who really became sisters in this journey, and met them through the children, because we shared a kindergarten project which was, let’s say, always municipal, however, still particular because on the hills, in the middle of the woods, so much outdoors. And they… yes, they also question this issue.
On the other hand, I have my best friend for thirty years, we’ve known each other in high school who really chose not to have children. I really felt at some point we went through two separate roads. She, who had chosen not to have children and I, who had a son, these two roads that separate and that they have a hard time crossing again, but not for lack of love and desire, but for lack of available time. And it’s a pain for both of us, because we are out of time. There’s no longer that space, getting it is very difficult, while it is easier to find it with the other mothers, because you share that part. So, also at a social level this thing is really impactful.
I don’t know about myself, what hurt me a lot… I don’t know, I’ve never thought so much about the absence of institutions. I mean, that’s not… Perhaps because I am a free lancer in the artistic field I’m pretty used to sort things out for myself. I’m here, I made my choice, I am responsible, I travel, this is my reality, I chose to live in Italy. That’s it. And I did choose to live in Italy, that is, for resistance and resilience, I can’t define it any other way.
I mean, I could have gone to Germany, it might have really been a different story, but I’m here. So, I feel responsible and I do not delegate the institutions.
But instead what really hurt me with respect to what I expected from the relationship, and therefore by whom I also married again to protect from an institutional point of view, same rights over the child and protect him. Yes, a whole range of issues. And yes, there was a… An opening on a reality that I wasn’t so aware of before, that is, I really felt very, very free, very… Independent, very capable to emotionally manage relationships with men, instead something really cracked there. And I really saw myself weakened, and relegated to a role, while for him it was easier.
And you couldn’t even use a common language as the things that I experienced were not really seen, recognized. And I had to act a part of me that I would never… that is, a threat, threat of an end, because under those conditions, I’d rather not. So yes, there was the possibility of a job, but it’s also another… Well, there is a time, there is a struggle, surely, an access door to a depth and to a different know-how. Thanks, but how many should I have? I would have preferred, in short, yes, something already acquired. Did I expect this?
And so there was also a whole reflection always about my responsibility. About how much I, how much as in general, as it’s not just my personal issue, but rather collective for the women who question themselves, or those I knew who ask themselves this question, about self-responsibility. I should have inquired before about what he was like, but it’s not possible, it’s not feasible. A child totally blows up all the…. Yes… All the superstructures and you get to the core. It’s really a stripping, you’re really naked, stark naked and it’s very painful.
I think a very direct communication between women with respect to the awareness of a choice of motherhood can be very useful and can change perspectives with respect to a choice which has no denial. It is really a choice. So yes, absolutely, I think so. I think it’s very important because the thoughts inform other thoughts, don’t they?
With those ideas we think of other ideas, so it’s like generating a new story that has to do with a community, right?
For me, what is very important is generating kinship. The important issue is the generation of kinship. So, it’s not so much about having or not a child, it is a question of kinship, it is in that parental clarity, of women’s experience, but also of men’s. Then, yes, the future is generated.
Maternity and work for me travel on two tracks. There is a very pragmatic plan, in the sense that there are places that are not accessible with respect to my job. Therefore… Precisely because of the request to be able to be within some systems also in the art world, with a child, in a sustainable way which means adequate for rhythms, suitable for conditions. So, I’m talking about travel, about costs and sustainability, quality. And it’s there when I felt just that there is no place, there is an inaccessibility and so there’s a condition, I call it just that, disability. I felt really disabled. Surely, my environment is very special, there are… In the end I’m heterosexual, I have a child, I am white, so I’m very privileged, I’m recognized as very privileged, so I shouldn’t even complain. Because the storytelling in my circles works exactly the opposite, the more under-privileged you are, the more voice you have, nowadays. I’m talking about research, in the area of research dance, research theatre. And yet… I’m here too. So, it was really impactful for me.
At the same time, there was an aspect which I found invaluable. When I started to find another channel to be able to re-access in a sustainable way, to my research, so access to these environments with my identity. The fact of having Leonardo, with all its incredible world of creatures, multi-species creatures, unbelievable imaginaries, that was an incredible nourishment. It informed my work so much, especially in the last year. It did inspire it. And so there I felt again a… a power…a power and not having to adapt the imaginary and also have to adhere to… “Well, yeah, if this one starts dancing what will she do? For the children, for sure.’ That is, the narrative is a bit like that. But that wasn’t the case. That piece there was important.
I’ve only known one grandmother who was my grandmother. So I have a very specific reference to her body, because it is a body I took care of when I was 17. And so for me… sorry, let me also add right now I’m dealing with projects for over 60s. A group of women that I meet on Wednesday morning, with whom I am doing a work od destructuring really iconoclastic, with respect to the school of Athens which was the painting, that we’re going to trim significantly with respect to posture and creating that culture, because that was… I mean, it’s a powerful milestone. There are many other milestones, but such a powerful imagination. But there are all men. There is no nature, there is a gleam of sky. Instead, we are just moving the imaginary.
I am with them and I feel that there is grandmotherhood, that is, it’s a… Which is a bond of care and a common gaze, theirs toward me, of letting go, but it’s mutual because I trust them too, to what they’ve sketched. I was very impressed because this project is the result of a call won with the University of Turin between Department of Humanities and Neuropsychology. So, they were the first who came to attend the Studiumlab for some specific tests on movement. When I walked them through the university’s corridors, I could hear them talking and saying: “Well, what a funeral! When we were in university, we used to squat, we made revolution, but what is this stuff?” And I said: “no way, but they are wonderful. Wow!”
And it was beautiful because there was another group, and after the tests we had some moments just of introduction into movement practices and after these practices a whole series of topics emerged closely related to sexuality, to sexuality for the over 60s, what it means, after menopause and all. And I was really enchanted because I felt like… I don’t have a term, but I felt at the same time 8 years and 200 years old, because I was completely open, but at the same time I felt really being very old myself, in what could be my imagery as a child of the elderly person. But me, because these were very powerful speeches.
At home, we always talked about sex, so it’s not so much… but that way was so free. Very much… Very aware. It was really unexpected for me. I was the one having a very colonized imaginary of the over 60s. So, I think of my grandmother’s body, the way I saw it, as I saw mine in hers. I really had a mirror with it, I will possibly become like this. It has somehow been turned around from the meeting with these other grandmothers, who are also mothers that I feel as sisters so I don’t have categories anymore, we are on the same level. Yes, I can narrate this right now and the process is moving forward. And it’s settling in. They are beautiful, I find them beautiful. Really powerful. Really powerful. We made the revolution. What are you doing here? I just look up at you. Indeed, they repainted the corridors it’s all very neat and tidy at university. We made the revolution. There was a wonderful one who said, this instead, at the “Wishing Machine”, No, but I’m going to play drums in the woods.
I mean, this one just blossomed again at some point, took her life in her hands and said, I go back to when I was a teenager. I need that thing there. Then they’re definitely women who have access to information, by culture, I realize high level of information. And yet, precisely, she said I’ve reclaimed this having gone through everything first, the question of motherhood, care, I managed the children, I did, I gave. Now I’m going back and I’m so happy because I’m in menopause, I don’t care anymore, I have nothing to lose, nothing to prove. Bye, I’m going to play drums in the woods. Go! I don’t know, it was very, very… Beyond, and even there, the stereotype, of the narrative about going to play drums in the woods. She just seemed very, very free. Yes, a great power, a great delicacy. But in all of them. In all of them.
No, they are people who raised me in the ’80s, weaning myself with macrobiotics. My father was… he did the washing and all, I mean, they were really… So no, they never asked for this and they’ve never… They really gave me freedom in all the choices I’ve made, supporting myself, but also saying “Take your responsibilities.”
So no, even when I blew up the wedding they’ve been very supportive, instead I think they got worried when two years later I was already in another relationship again. But there was a very, very personal moment that struck me and I thought about it tonight watching the video I never thought about this episode again. There was this thing. My father went through a rough moment, for his own stuff, very… He lost his mother when he was very young, so he only re-processed this mourning at a late age. And he was supported by a psychological therapy with a man. At some point, for a series of reasons, I found myself to have to contact this psychologist and report some issues. And this person, absolutely tactlessly, I also know him very well so he knew perfectly of my condition, that is, as an artist, of having said no to a wedding. I mean, he knew it all, despite this he said to me: “But look, Francesca, your father needs to become a grandfather. Your father is ready to become a grandfather.” I remember this thing froze me, but never thought about it again. It made me very angry so I ended this call, politely, but just saying, “My God!” I mean, really, how unprofessional. Even there, perhaps I expected from a therapist’s point of view to act on many other words. And then yes, this information that comes like this, at a time when I had made some very clear choices, very avowed. Among other things, following of non-marriage, it was a very special passing relationship, and this person knew about it. It seemed to me really a manipulative attitude. And it stung me, it stung me. And tonight watching the documentary it came back to me and I said, but this information who knows where it has settled in me because I did feel inadequate. I felt inadequate. And in my path of analysis I brought this thing back, inadequacy, the fact that at 35 I hadn’t yet mothered a child. It was a race at the end, I reiterate, apart from a desire in my opinion a little more pure and also poetic, that I keep and take care of. But there is another part which was just: “Please recognize me as no different.” There’s already a life of struggle as an artist or as a neuro-divergent for my high sensitivity. I mean, it’s already so hard, please give me my place. But then it opened up so much more.»

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