Lisetta tells us of the reasons behind her choice of non-motherhood, and of how having children represents for her a limit to what she cherishes most: freedom.
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LISETTA: «Giving my testimony in relation to this choice, I think it was a choice, it was very… I was very interested when I heard about it, some time ago, and then, suddenly, here comes the opportunity. I think it will give me the chance to discover some things about myself, because I’m not so sure what were the steps that brought me to this decision, that today is certainly final…. since I’m about to turn 60, very shortly.
I have no regrets in relation to this lack of motherhood, and that I am going through a phase, despite all that happened, especially in my family, a phase of great peace of mind and love for life again, and love for this world, which I had deeply questioned.
The first reasons, in relation to the desire not to have children, were certainly connected to matters of great personal selfishness.
Firstly, I did not want to alter my body, nor did I want to turn my life upside down, where freedom was crucial.
Freedom of relationships, freedom of friendships, freedom of love, and a child seemed to me exactly the opposite of that.
In my life I felt to be 25 until I turned… 48. So this definitely made it much easier to continue with the state of mind that I could have at 16-18 years old, which was this total physical rejection for motherhood.
There was nothing I liked about motherhood, neither the personal transformation… such as the breasts, the belly, the roundness… Nor was I tempted by this idea a well-being that could have derived from a child. Surely, the problem of having to deal with another human being always scared me a lot. I’ve always felt it extremely challenging, especially because a child would have been dependent on me. I don’t like to have others depending on me, I like my independence and I like independence in others. I don’t think you can ask this to a child, maybe never.
Let’s say that in addition to what I said before, in relation to… how can I say… keeping my figure, which over the years disappeared in another way and not for maternity, but for the pleasures of life.
On top of fearing that someone depended on me, there were reasons let’s say… of a feminist nature. I mean, historically I was part of that movement, I still consider myself a feminist today as I believe they were absolutely valid values, those that we have projected in our lives and in the lives of others.
Surely there was no from my family’s standpoint, something that made me change my approach. I don’t know if it came before my…. how can I say… my physical-mental structure, or if this has formed within my family. But surely we were a very large family, five children in six years, twin, so never really alone. I think there was a lot of tension, even though we had large living spaces and we could be free enough. We had a garden, a very large house, but I’ve always felt the constraint, but mostly it was the constraint of relationships. I felt constrained in the relationship between me and my siblings, and also in the relationship with my family. Maybe there were too many of us in order to be cheerful and happy.
Definitely I had a privileged life, but I was an anxious girl. I did really well in school, which put a strain on me and maybe this was extremely challenging for me. The family context was also demanding and full of tensions, in this sense perhaps my longing for freedom brought me later to break with the commitments, to perhaps find a social commitment, an external commitment rather than … a commitment to build something for myself. After a long break I got back there, luckily I had the opportunity to connect to what I had left.
I am passionate about my job, I do social work. I deal with my “dear tenants in default”, those who try not to pay rent in social housing with whom I think I have always established a very respectful and caring relationship, so that they could solve their problems and we, as an institution, worked hard to reach the results that we had to achieve, in order to build more houses and guarantee accommodation to those who do not have it. So let’s say, a collaborative perspective and constant gratification in which I’ve definitely realized myself.
Let’s say that I’m used to relationships between adults based on free will, no doubt. My fear is that a child may find be boring, that is what I find heavier. When you come across situations where children start avoiding going their parents, ashamed to be seen with their mother, to be close to their father. For me, that was really distressing. I thought, why should that be different for me? It was quite an unbearable test.
Motherhood was not really my thing already, this thought surely made it neven less attractive to me. And then I thought I was very authoritarian, and was afraid to replicate, having suffered it myself, a family model that hadn’t helped me in terms of peace of mind, and in terms of loving care. So why would I have acted differently? Maybe I would have replicated the worst in my family.
This is a constant challenge with my mother, who still says today: “The only thing I’m sorry about is not seeing you with a child, dealing with a child”. Because I’ve been a very rebellious daughter, and I still am now.
I openly support my nephews and nieces, and I drive her mad because I defend their right to get home late, and their right to have their independent lives. And she keeps saying: “I wanted to see you dealing with it! I wonder what you would have done”. I don’t know it either, actually.
My sisters have always been very determined to have children. My twin sister used to sleep with 12 dolls in her bed, I never owned even one. In the morning, they were all bundled up on the floor, and she definitely wanted a big family. She had two children, a boy and a girl, who somehow I considered, not my own children, but a very free field of action where I could measure myself with the children. This was possible because they were often at my parents’ home so since I lived in that environment, I’ve benefited from it. I have enjoyed this closeness and proximity, I took advantage of it. It’s been very pleasant. Actually, with them I have developed a very loving relationship. With the others, even if the relationship was not so direct, we are very fond of eaach other. Maybe I am sorry not having seen more one of my nephews, but it seems to be my family’s habit, whose relationships always seem to experience hiccups. Hopefully, we can make up for the time lost. Surely, they have had kids. And I am still the black sheep.
No one ever asked me why I had no children, maybe it felt natural that I didn’t have any. No, I never had to deal with uneasiness about it. I think I would have had no problems answering: “I did not have children because I didn’t want to have them, because it was not my thing”…
There have been moments when I thought it would have been nice to have a child with some of the people I loved.
Yes, it happened. I thought it would have been nice if they shared some traits in terms of kindness and care with that person, or in terms of intelligence and strength, or even for their composure and again intelligence. But that would have meant for me giving up all that mattered to me, and that is an unbridled freedom, I wouldn’t know how else to put it. The need for this freedom, my need to be able to say: “I’m leaving, because I’m not well here anymore”. A child, in my opinion, prevents you from doing this, because a children give you a stability which is tied to their life, not yours. And I didn’t feel I could impose my selfishness or my needs, and I never thought that satisfying only the needs of others could make me happy.
I never experienced any verbal violence related to this choice of mine. I would have reacted quite strongly to any denigratory definition, because I think there’s still a component of effort and commitment in this type of choice. I guess it’s challenging to have a child, as much as it is not to.
You have a lot of alibis with a child, your life has definitely some mandatory routes that prevent you from taking responsibilities that are only yours. So the question of having a responsibility towards yourself, which fails at some point, because you have to think about the needs of someone else… I believe many have delegated to the life of the child their own fulfillment, and their own aspirations, and I didn’t want to do that.
Firstly, because I didn’t want to put such a burden on anyone, and secondly because I didn’t want to look at someone and say, even without being offensive: “It’s your fault I’m like that”.
Luckily, today I am not in a position to hold anyone accountable for my choice of life, and I’m happy about my life.
It may sound silly, but I would do everything again, and although it may sound trivial that each and every experience, even the most negative one, in the end they make me be who I am, and I wouldn’t give it up. I know I wouldn’t go back. Thank you, but I’ve been there, so let’s move on as long as it is possible, however, without saying, as many do growing older: “I wouldn’t do that again”. I did all that I had to do.
I’m not a fatalist, but all was written in my destiny: about that encounter, about that love, and the end of that other love, about that desperation, or that immense pain and all that I crossed in my path. This is my life, and I’m happy with my life.»
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