Giovanna tells us of her experience with non-motherhood and of her life as a second-generation Calabrian living in Alto Adige. She talks about her friends and her work, always in touch with children.
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GIOVANNA: «My name is Giovanna, I travel a lot for work because I deal with marketing and sales force. I’m 53 years old, I was born in Bolzano from a Calabrian family, and I don’t have children.
I have never wanted children, even though my biggest dream would have been having twelve children: mine, adopted, of all races. This would have been the great dream of my life.
I like children so much and children like me a lot, it’s a truly visceral love that I feel for them, and they feel for me.
I have a lot of children scattered around, I was always the first babysitter of my friends’ and sisters’ children, of course. Now I often smile when I think of me not having children and also about the pain I felt, even though I had decided to not have them, because I realise how much of myself I left in many children who are now grown up and so…
I decided not to have children when I was only nine, with this powerful feeling of the omnipotence typical of a child, because my mother was very sick, she was depressed and had serious crisis that made me suffer a lot. When I was about 9, she had a very strong crisis which triggered my decision to not have children as I didn’t want to run the risk of making a child suffer the way I was suffering in that moment.
I was faithful to that, I mean, I never managed to overcome it even though I worked a lot on myself. I must say that I have always worked, always travelled and I’ve had a very rich life, both on a professional and a personal, relational level.
As I got older, I finally realized that the moment for a final decision had come. At the time I was living with my partner, with whom we had also thought of having a child, but some things happened which made me realise that this relationship was absolutely… that it could end, and quickly.
I spent months talking to my child, months feeling very bad about it, but in the end, I took the decision of not having any… I didn’t want to have a pregnancy, I didn’t want to have a child that would be born somehow already with a burden of pain.
I couldn’t bear that, I felt the emptiness in my womb, I had a physical sensation of my empty womb, but anyway… I simply did not share it with the men I met, I shared it with my friends, also with my male friends, because with them I was really open about it.
There was only a man, when I was still young, with whom I really… I really opened up and shared everything, but at that time I was really young, there were no conditions, and it was not the right time to really face the question of maternity. That’s about it…
At the age of 40, when I realized that my partner wasn’t really… I don’t know… he wasn’t the father of my children, I didn’t share certain things with him, I simply took the decision, I carried it out and that was it. What did the rest of the world think about me?
I was very interested in what my family thought, however I have always been a rebel, so after all this was justified. After all, I didn’t even… I was not married, so I didn’t have a real relationship and therefore it was obvious that I would not have had children.
It’s kind of funny to think that many women actually are not really aware of the different conditions that can come up during life and of the real motivations that can be behind
a woman not having children. These can be a lot. I have mine, but I also know women who simply don’t like children and have never had any, and that’s fine. Just as I know many women who I wonder why on earth they had them. Something that has always struck me and quite unpleasantly so, is the way women look at you. Theirs is the fiercest towards women who don’t have children, as for men…
I mean, I have never seen a man as cruel as some women are. There are some, but in the end, I pay much less attention, I am not really shocked if a man does not understand certain things. But a woman not understanding it is a bit more disturbing, at least for me, because I would… I would feel a sort of… I would expect a greater sharing and understanding. Instead, very often, women are terrible, as if being a woman with no children means that you cannot understand you cannot be generous and understanding.
You cannot know what patience is because you only think of yourself. These things make me smile because even women who don’t have children might have something to say towards certain mothers. But after all, it’s not worth worrying about what others think. I believe that what’s important is to be able to work out your own choices, your motivations and find own peace anywhere.
Surely, living in Alto Adige as a daughter of people from southern Italy was at first quite overwhelming.
In my day, in our day, summer holidays lasted four months, so four months in the South and the rest of the year up North. Four months in a situation of great affection, of great emotion, of even great… everyone was boisterous, we spent most of the time outdoors, then we would come back here… I was always the classmate and the friend who invited everyone for lunch or dinner. My parents’ house was full of friends and this was a beautiful thing. It was something unusual in Alto Adige.
I have to say that my parents settled really well in Alto Adige because they are extremely serious, they are reliable, punctual and precise people. Obviously, on a psychological level some stories are border stories, typical of border areas, because the mentality was very different.
What you breathed at home in terms of relationships was completely opposite to what you would find with people outside. For this reason, I felt this difference and it was something I had to work on. Also as a woman because surely even just my physical appearance, my hair or my gait has never been typically “Nordic”. From this point of view, in relation to children I think that…
Well, when I go to the South many people say to me: “oh god, you didn’t have children”, and in some way it’s very clear what happens; what they can think about it, for better or for worse it’s clear. In the end anyway people will look at you, but the worst that could happen is to be seen as: “poor you, not having children”. However, in some way this pitying you you might find it sort of loving, something like “I feel sorry for you”. In the end, you learn not to appreciate it exactly, but you accept it you don’t feel judged.
Instead in the North it’s a strange thing, here in Alto Adige I felt, in some circumstances, I felt more judged than I felt in the South. More judged in the real sense of being “judged”, combed through in a certain way, not really seen… Then in the end you get so used to it that you have a laugh. I have a crazy laugh, unless a person is really rude, I have a good laugh, because there’s not much else to do.
Then, as I said, it happens very often that I may find myself in certain situations because children come to me, I play with them, I have a good relationship with children, but I don’t care.
Maybe there was a moment in which I felt bad, especially during these years of elaboration,
accepting my non-motherhood but I must say not so much, because I lived everything in such a transparent way, also with myself, I mean, this has always helped me also to let it all roll right off my back!
While I didn’t manage to do the same for other things, motherhood is such an intimate matter,
such a personal experience, so deep that…
I pity those who do not understand, who cannot have an open mind, an open heart to understand that we are all different. We all have our story, some good, some bad, some have it easier than others, everyone has to choose according to their own will.
In the end, my family accepted it because my family is extremely bizarre, but it has a really beautiful trait, but really awesome: anything can happen, but it is a family with very open feelings, there is a real affection. So, although my parents they were both from the South, although at first they were all set in their own ways, with respect to certain traditions or habits, I must say that for love they totally changed, they tried as hard as they could to make us abide by the rules, although never succeeded with me, poor things. However, this great ability to love they have that in the end, they managed to put aside anything that could have been difficult to accept, but they accepted them all the same. They actually learnt new ways, they have also been great testimonies somehow, because when you see people, not young anymore, opening up to new things, mainly for love, you realise that… well, it’s something.
I always told my friends that if I had become pregnant, I would have kept the baby I would have never been able to terminate the pregnancy.
I would have kept them, with fear but also with joy because somehow a part of myself would have wanted to do it. However, I never got pregnant, I have always been careful initially taking contraceptives.
It’s something I have always been careful about and paid attention to it. I have been selling playgrounds for eight years, it’s basically a job, a product that I love a lot and always have.
I also worked with children, it is beautiful, I love going places and see how the area changes, how children play.
The company where I work offers a particular product, namely with a round pole, so when I go to one of our playgrounds and I see children embracing the pole with all the various play combinations… well, I feel really happy, because it seems to me that I’m doing something beautiful. I truly enjoy seeing them play, I start playing with them because I still play on everything, I like that very much.
To my nieces and nephews, I have four, the first two are grown up by now. They are doing their own path, they have been very lucky with their family because they are well off and all.
Instead, the last two have had more problems because their parents have separated, and they have suffered much more. I’m very close to them, my niece has already my guitar, which is one thing I love most, and no one can touch except with a sort of magic wand.
She knows that’s already hers I will leave things to my nieces and nephews. When was this proposed to me?
I received an email from a friend of a friend and so on. I immediately said yes, without thinking it over. The first, the very first thing I thought was: “how nice it is to be able to share something with women”, to listen to all the experiences, that you can have with this matter.
Because, in some way, I have never paid attention to it, I must say that I am realising it now.
I have never paid much attention to judgments, but in some way, I felt less alone, as if there could be a moment of sharing that could also be useful to someone, to younger women. I have this great sense of how usefulness a life can be, how useful discoveries and achievements are.
It always seems important to me to be able to share it and make sure that someone else could… could benefit from the experience that I may have had. It seems to me a beautiful thing. I lived it in those terms, I didn’t even for a moment…
Probably, for a moment I just thought of my mother because basically my decision to not have children is related to her. And then I thought: “oh god, if she knew about it, she would feel very guilty”. But then again, you know… not really, life goes on and there also are values that are much more important indeed, it also is a confirmation, it is a fulfilling, beautiful and adult relationship with her. No, I didn’t have the slightest doubt. I love nature, whenever I find myself… whenever I am in the midst of nature I am happy, I prefer sea to mountains, but I understood it late.
When I’m in the mountains, I feel I like them better it’s impossible that… it’s too beautiful! Then when I’m at the sea, I say: “no, I love sea better”, so it took me some time to understand. Actually I also like hill, I love nature, in whatever form.
What I really love the most is the sea. I change when I’m by the sea. I realise I change, both physically and emotionally. I change! Alto Adige is beautiful, it’s hard to work in Alto Adige. I know beautiful people. It’s my birthplace, so it’s not difficult for me to stay here, I don’t find it hard to be in the mountains and I don’t feel suffocated, because I never feel suffocated in the nature. I find it beautiful even in the Po Valley, foggy and all, if I am in the fields, I love it. That’s the reason why I don’t have this kind of problems. However, when I’m at the sea…»
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