Radikha, a university lecturer in Essen, reflects on the condition of childfree women in India, her home country. Whether by choice or not, Indian women who do not experience motherhood are under great pressure and are marginalized socially and within the family context. On the other hand, the condition of poverty leads several women to practice surrogacy, putting their bodies on the market. The debate on reproductive rights in India is still a long way off.
Vuoi ascoltare e leggere altre testimonianze? Sostieni l’archivio vivo di Lunàdigas!
Ecco la trascrizione completa del video:
RADHIKA: «When a woman decides not to have children, she is considered as an aberration. It is not a normal thing in society. There are in fact many words used in Indian languages, almost all languages have a derogatory word to define women who have no children. In Hindi, the word “bunch” is used which means empty. It means “empty” in a very humiliating way. It denotes there is no purpose in that woman’s life, like a tree that bears no fruit, therefore it is a useless tree. The entire culture system is such that for a woman, from early childhood until her death, motherhood is an integral part of her existence. So to take a position of not having a child is like going against to the entire cultural system. But some women make that decision.
For example, there are many women who have gone through a lot of processes of thinking, who rejected patriarchy, who imagined a different world, where they have a life of their own.
So, women who have decided not to have children, and I happen to be one of them, who decided not to have a child of my own, it is not considered as a normal thing to do, in fact, even within your family and the people you know, they think there is something wrong in your head.
It’s regarded as an abnormal thing, for instance as if something didn’t work in your head. “How can you not want a child? Everyone wants it.” “It’s the purpose of life itself, to carry on with life.” “Why don’t you want to have children?” These are among the kindest comments.
But then there are the people from the neighborhood, who go to my mother and say: “But why doesn’t she have children?” “What’s wrong with her?” And they keep putting pressure on her. People always ask her: “When’s the good news?” “When will we eat sweets to celebrate?”
It’s like it can’t be a happy life and it is a matter of being pitied. So what happens to people like my mother who can’t understand this kind of decision? She feels the pressure caused by social expectation. In fact, many people I know, who haven’t had kids, not by choice, but for biological or other reasons, many of these women loose their self-confidence, because of not having a child, and they fall into depression.
Despite having your own life, a career and being independent, the fact of not having children, because of the kind of social pressure you get, you feel under pressure for not producing a child.
On the contrary, for women like me, who have decided not to have a child, there are reasons for that. Since I was a child, I’ve always thought that I don’t need a child of my own to feel the maternal instinct. I can experience maternal love in many different ways. And I thought I’d try to create communities for this.
But since much of society thinks this is abnormal, you always find yourself trying to explain to people, although they don’t really want to listen to the explanation, because they still see us as “empty.” In fact, many women who do not have children, end up being pitied, forced to feel sorry for themselves. And this has a very negative impact about your self-esteem. Even for women like me, who chose not to have children, consciously.
Around you there are people judging you because you didn’t take your responsibilities, as you want to be free, you are considered selfish. Even if you’re responsible for a lot of other things, this is not considered enough, because you didn’t play that specific role.
I believe I have created relationships based on the maternal sense with many other people and organizations, but somehow it doesn’t get the same kind of reaction. And there’s a lot of pressure to try to fit in with the community, for example in the way you socialize with others, and you always feel a little the odd one out.
I work at the University and I’m a lecturer, and despite this, I have to constantly repeat myself why I made this decision, due to strong social pressure.
I think for women in less privileged situations, a community of Lunàdigas can be very empowering, presenting this lifestyle as a real possibility. It’s a choice women can make. Whether or not you have a child, to decide for yourself what to do with your body, and also to create other types of social relationships, which may not biologically linked, but social relationships of sharing love and cooperation. That can be absolutely essential for people who don’t have children, it can give them strength.
A new form of family would be important.
A lot of things currently in India are trying to bring women back within the home walls, which includes bearing children and looking after them. It is a very private kind of childrearing. It is not a shared experience, but it stays in a very private sphere within the household.
So, there would be a lot of resentment, but I think if it’s a community based on solidarity, can be a good.
For instance, when we were talking in that group, I was thinking that I find interesting how many people go through these kinds of ideas and thoughts.
I remember for example this comrade of mine, a long time ago, in the 1970s, she had decided not to have a child, and had an abortion. Many years later, when her body could not produce a child, when she was in her 60s, she told me, “Now I miss having a child.” It was not a bitter regret, she missed having a child because she thought it would be a strong bond with her partner. But that was a different kind of idea about having a child. The decision not to have children earlier in life came from another context of her life. I think women go through processes of wanting to have a child and then choosing not to have a child. So, for this kind of a thought processing we are constantly going through in the community of people where you can express these ideas. it would be very useful to have this kind of platform. It’s kind of reassuring.
When you make a decision not conforming to social norms, you need to talk to yourself as much as talk about it with others, because you trying to live a life which is not within the pattern.
In my country, it is not taken very kindly. Mine is a very big country, there are many different cultures, it is a very diverse community. Despite this, across the country, the choice not to have children is not taken very kindly. And often it is not even thought as something that a woman decides, because women are not even in control of their bodies in many parts of the country.
So, to choose to have a child or not to have a child it’s a debate that’s still very far off.
In fact today, poor women are subject to “rent” their bodies to have children, as surrogate mothers. It’s a bit like outsourcing your maternal instinct, so that other women can receive it. It’s really a complicated situation, where there’s not only a cultural element, but it also highlights how capitalism infiltrates women’s bodies. So, it’s really a very complex scenario.
But for women who don’t have children there are two types of reactions: on the one hand we are pitied, and on the other hand there is resentment. We are kind of disliked for not having fulfilled the responsibility.
Even among career women, those who have a well placed job, there is a feeling that she is so career-centered, she dedicates all her time to work, having a child or not doesn’t make any difference. There is this tendency to isolate women who don’t have children by women who have children and they always talk about it.
Despite not having children, a woman can feel love for a child as anybody else. But that love is not valued, unless there is a contractual element.
Men also look at women without children who are active in social and political fields as if they participate because they don’t have children, so they are not fulfilling their primary responsibility. That is the dominant tendency. People think that ok, she is a liberated free woman who has a lot of fun in her life by not having children. Other kind of relationships are not considered at the same level, because it’s a traditional society that only accepts one model of a traditional family. So, we will have to set up our own kind of communities.»
Vuoi ascoltare e leggere altre testimonianze? Sostieni l’archivio vivo di Lunàdigas!
