Michael tells us of his life and his homosexuality in connection to having children, how this condition changed a lot over the years and of the many roles that parents can play.
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MICHAEL: «Strictly speaking, I would not be a lunàdiga, maybe I could be considered a male lunàdigu; however, I am homosexual, and I never had children.
When Marilisa and Nicoletta asked me to take part in this project I was very surprised, I thought about it and then accepted, and I am very happy to give my testimony.
That very night I went to sleep, and I didn’t think much about it, then I got up and, in the morning, it was as if all the pieces that I had inside me, that had always been there, had all come together because I had never really asked myself if I had ever wanted children.
I saw it a bit as a condition coming from acknowledging my homosexuality when I was around 20 years old, and at the time it was not possible to even imagine having children.
At the time, I remember, how can I say… it was something, let’s say taken for granted with my choice to accept myself, which is not a choice really.
However, now in my country, in the United States, it is possible to have children in different ways; as it is in other countries, but here in Italy it is not yet possible.
Where shall I start?
I would start by thinking about the possible reasons behind that, that could have prompted me to have children
at the time or even later in life.
The first reason could be, for example, to leave an inheritance, to ensure continuity of my surname or leave a patrimony to someone.
In my situation, it was not about that, I didn’t have much of a patrimony, and both my brother and sister have children.
Another reason could also be… although it may sound weird or rather narcissistic.
that I want to create another version of me so basically I can last forever.
A kind of… in English we use the word legacy, and it would be a sort of heritage, an abstract heritage that continues over time.
It wasn’t really… I was so young at the time to have this kind of thoughts.
What could another reason be?
It could be to create a strong bond with a person, a kind of unconditional love, a sense of security.
A kind of bond that transcends any other emotional bonds you encounter in your life, I would have loved that, but it would not be a strong enough reason to want it, because it involves a great responsibility, which is really not my thing.
Often, responsibility is not really my thing.
Another reason could be, I mean not really a reason basically, it was part of my thought before accepting myself.
Having relationships with girls in the past, I also had a steady relationship with one girl, and since my parents were very young when my mother got pregnant with me, let’s just say, there was always this anxiety in my family, to be very, very careful.
Therefore, a sort of incident could have happened, as it happened to my mother.
So, let’s say, if in that period of time when I had relationships with girls if there was… I was very careful, let’s put it this way.
I didn’t want to become a father, even when I could have.
For me, the last one is related to the actual relationship with my partner.
We have been together for 21 years, he is Sardinian and we have been together for 21 years, and maybe, as I hear most people say, not always, but often, a couple feels more fulfilled with a child, it is something that might would have added something to ours.
It could have been a sort of future investment for us, in the sense that now I’m about to turn fifty and the relationship is developing over time, often I see couples for whom children are a breath of fresh air in the relationship, which over time is waning, let’s say, and it needs to be cultivated.
And then for me it’s something to share with the person you love.
In my opinion, being a father or a parent in general – I don’t want to exclude the lunàdigas – for me, being a father means having a lot of facets towards the children, you must have certain roles.
You have to be authoritative, you must scold sometimes, although not always, you must love, for sure; you have to listen, you have to give advice, you have to be playful sometimes.
You have to teach, you have to educate, that’s very important; you must set an example.
You have to be the one who imparts a lot of knowledge whether they’ll be perceived or not.
I think this is the role of a father or a parent.
How did I combine all this, not knowing whether I really wanted children or not?
This question is unanswered, this question is still fresh in my mind.
I am a teacher, I teach in kindergartens up to high school and beyond, also adults.
In my opinion, this paternal role, I might have sublimated it, I identified in the role of parent, trying to… not like my surrogates, they are never surrogates, I am aware of that.
But I have all these roles with all the people I meet throughout my profession, both adults and children, and I’ve had a lot of them, a lot of contacts with a lot of people.
I don’t want to exaggerate but not thousands in 20 years of profession, maybe even tens of thousands of people, without being excessive, but I was checking this morning, and my calculations more or less came to this.
Well, if we talk about leaving something, an inheritance for example, a personal legacy, I think I have already left something.
In my opinion this is… the question of having children or not, well, I do have them somehow, and it’s not a burden.
My partner and I, I mean I, I had cats, but cats are not very communicative, they are solitary animals.
But… my partner’s father came to live with us about seven years ago I’m not sure exactly when, but around seven years ago and he brought this little dog with him.
At the beginning, I was very reluctant, our life as a couple was naturally turned upside down when my father-in-law came to live with us, he is also Sardinian, a true-born Sardinian.
Basically, he brought this dog with him, and I said: “An old man in this flat plus this dog, I never had dogs; either one or the other, that is impossible”.
It sounds like a cliché, that all gay people fall in love with dogs that become like a child and so on, but this dog really changed my life.
Because, as I said before, it became a focal point, like a surrogate son in a way that gave us this breath of fresh air in the middle of this triangulation of the new family that was created with my father-in-law.
Maybe I’ve already explained what I think, I believe that it’s quite clear.
Anyway, I totally fell in love, and she changed my life.
Unfortunately she left us in June, leaving a big void that I hope it will be resolved somehow.
In the mid ’80s, I was 20-year-old, a university student, struggling to come to terms with my sexual orientation, accepting it, I understood that there would be consequences, quite painful,
namely that I would have to give up the idea of having children.
This is no longer the case.
I believe that every human being, whether a parent or not, has the will to leave something to the generation that comes after us.
I work as an English teacher and this job allows me to do just that.
I don’t want to say that my students are like my children, but with them I manage to leave a mark, I believe, and this is rewarded with mutual affection and respect that lasts over time.
This leaving a mark gives me a meaning in life.
It’s very fulfilling, it’s very pleasant.»
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