Playwright, composer and writer, Moni Ovadia tells us of his reasons, both professional and personal, that led him and his wife Elisa to not feel the urge to have children. He addresses the role that religion played in establishing the traditional family as the centre of our society.

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MONI OVADIA: «No, I didn’t choose decisively, I was very aware of the fact that if you have a child you have to take care of them. Which is something that happens less and less in our society. Caring about someone means investing time and energy, and that didn’t work with my lifestyle.
For years, I lived pretty recklessly, and even though I had many partners, and with some women throughout my life, also some long-term relationships I didn’t feel a strong enough bond, no matter how great the relationship, a strong enough bond, then again, I know there is a kind of reasoning, where some people think: you have children without really giving it much thought. I never had that thought process, I wasn’t raised with it.
I didn’t receive a religious upbringing, where children become a sort of modus vivendi, I witnessed too many disasters with perfectly normal parents who really messed up their children’s lives, turning them into unhappy people, lowlifes, drug addicts. I have seen one too many.
So, then I met my current wife, which has been a great love and a beautiful relationship. Elisa, not only is a wonderful woman, but also a fantastic person. and at some point, It would have been possible for us to have at least one child. She was 35 when we met and I was 49, 49 and a half. Then something quite odd happened. Elisa told me “I don’t have the urgency, I don’t feel the urge to have children but if you want, if you feel this urge then… In turn, I replied “I don’t either. I would have been ready with you. Because I thought of you as the woman… As I waited so long to meet you, for me you are the woman with whom want to build a life together. It’s more than just a relation between two people. That is the reason I asked right away.” But I saw that she didn’t have the urgency was she convinced and if you don’t want, provided you can afford it, to have a nanny raise your children, you have to make a lot of sacrifices. Especially since my job took up 200/250 days out of a year, she would have been the one who stayed home. Elisa didn’t have this need because of the emotional trauma she endured while growing up, although she had a normal family, well, this is Elisa’s business… but she had a strong reason. Her reasoning wasn’t at all selfish, she’s completely selfless, she takes care of everyone.
For example, Elisa’s relationship with her father, who was an outstanding man, a great artist, a painter, a true genius, in my opinion, a great director of photography… seeing Elisa with her father is among the most moving and tender things I have experienced in my life. But there was some trauma. This is her life though, she should talk about it, but I understood that she didn’t have this urge, and since I was always at work…
I have female friends and colleagues at work, I’m not going to name names, that have all my admiration. They were able to raise children while doing this job, they sacrificed a lot, sometimes even traveling 10 hours in the night only to kiss their children goodnight, and they raised truly wonderful children. Odd, isn’t it? Normal family might raise messed up children, and they, instead, despite unruly lives, raised wonderful children, sensitive, strong, wonderfully human. It all comes down to the love you give, the rest doesn’t matter.
We all know blood ties don’t really exist, it’s one of the biggest bullshit ever. The only forces able to connect people are love and respect, welcoming a child who will be loved even though they’re different from us, recognising their dignity. Well…anyway, these are the reasons that led us to not have children and neither of us has regrets.
I adore children, I don’t know if I would have made a good father, but I sure would’ve been very affectionate. Kids love me, I love kids, I feel good in their presence. Sorry if I repeat myself, but I had a really meaningful relationship with no blood ties, with my niece-in-law. She was my ex-wife’s niece. To this day, we have a strong bond, I held Marzia when she was only three hours old, we have lived together for a short time, but Marzia… when her parents had relationship issues like every couple does, she stayed at my place. I am very passionate about foreign languages, to me knowing many languages is a form of art, I’m always studying a new language. She was impressed by this and she ended up being an interpreter. She also tried pursuing a music a career, she was talented too, but then she chose otherwise, and now she lives in Paris, she’s married to a wonderful man, a really charming geologist from Naples, I adore him. Marzia always says : “I lam crazy about him as he makes me laugh.” We rarely see each other, we have an incredibly strong bond and we always have, an extraordinary bond, and she was influenced by me. It was a gift, an exchange though. I was very close to her, but also her sister Raffaela. I used to take them to kindergarten sometimes, Raffaella was a bratty, lively child, she was wonderful, and beautiful. Walking next to her was like walking next to a pink elephant… everyone was fascinated by her, by her eyes. She was this awesome little punk, and she used to call me “mom” as a joke. This is why I have always had an amazing bond with kids. And still do.
I have some friends who I met when they were really young: Costanza is from Palermo, whenever I am in Palermo she sends me these passionate messages, we pretend to be lovers, jokingly. When we started working together, she was 6, then we worked together again when she was 10, many years went by and then I saw her again, she’s a politician now, she is a force of nature. We recently met up and I could tell that through that experience we had created a bond. Bibi, the daughter of some friends from Palermo, who really love me, every time I am there, she starts texting me, inviting me to parties, she wants to see me.
My style of communication is strong, intense, and natural, that’s why I think I would’ve made an affectionate father, maybe a bit too lenient but I would’ve loved to teach things and share experiences. I always tell my young friends that, whenever they want to come to the theatre, they just have to introduce themselves as my niece. It’s natural for me to feel great tenderness and care for those who could be my children, some could even be my grandchildren, I could be their grandfather: it’s an amazing experience. But not having children is not a weakness for me… I don’t see it as a disadvantage, as an absence… this is how things went, a series of events led to this. After all, I reflected, having a famous father can be cumbersome.
My older brother jokingly complained about it, even my cousin did and he is quite successful.
One time he told me in a gloomy tone “Who did I think I was? I’m just Moni Ovadia’s cousin after all!”
Of course, this is also a way to acknowledge my accomplishments, which came later in life. My breakthrough came at 48. My brother said, as soon as he mentions our surname… So I think having a kid, especially if he’s a boy, they look up to their dads, perhaps it might have been an heavy baggage, being always pushed. Anyway, besides these considerations, this wasn’t the reason… I already explained the reason.
I never wished… I realised that children don’t ask to be born, they just are, and our generation moved on. For example, my parent’s believed that having given you life, gave them the right to ownership. In Milan there’s a saying which is absolutely appalling, although quite powerful, “I created you, and I can also destroy you as easily”, this encapsulates that generation’s idea. But children don’t ask to be born, we, as parents, have obligations towards them, because we are the ones who decided for their lives, therefore we have to be so extraordinary so that one day they say “you chose to bring me into this world, but now it’s my life, you gave it to me, and you granted me the independence to live my own life”. It’s not easy, it’s a hard task.
We can see that family, in any religion, is at the centre of everything, whether it be Judaism, Christianity, Islam, or any other, and claimed to be right as such. But that is not the case at all. For example, nowadays many fiercely attack the idea of gay parenting… seen as harmful, abominable, and therefore dangerous… but to be honest, gay people are born into straight families, so this is a total nonsense. I believe that two fathers or two mothers are just as capable of creating a family where there’s love, affection, and education as the so-called natural family, which is not that natural after all. It’s a way of asserting this great idea of the monogamous family, it can make sense on a cultural and institutional level… but being natural… homosexuality has always been a natural process, the same goes for polygamy. Even incest was natural for a long period in history. Therefore, we should break away from this really dangerous belief that could lead to theories on eugenics abomination, and those who don’t conform to an alleged definition of nature is seen as a deviation from what is natural. This is totally false, the same goes for couples not joined by marriage, but living together as a family. It’s a whole set of things that show that humankind is far more complex and much richer than they make us believe. These ideals are spread to have power and total control over our souls and bodies, by churchmen, or worse, by those who act in their names, who are politicians and churchmen, who can be found in any religion.
I believe Scripture have been widely misunderstood. I’m quite familiar with Hebrew Scripture, all of these… these unshakable pillars… I’m agnostic, but I believe one thing, I believe that religion is Mankind’s business. God doesn’t care.
There’s an amazing piece by Isaia that I can’t stop reading. I included it in one of my plays. God speaks to the Jewish people through Isaia’s words, saying, “Your incense, your sacrifices, I can’t stand them anymore, I hate them, they make me sick. I don’t care about your prayers, your Saturdays, your new-moons, I can’t stand betrayal nor solemnity”. He tells them what is important “do good deeds”, and what is good? “Escape evil, do what’s good. What is good?” Search for justice, stand up for the oppressed, advocate for widows, women, in brief, social justice. This is what the Almighty cares for, provided he exists, which I strongly doubt. Religion is mankind business. What should religion be then?
I love religious practices if they do what they’re supposed to. Celebrating and sanctifying, not sticking your your nose into people’s lives or God will punish you if you do something or other.
God gives the most solemn prohibition to Adam and Eve in the so-called paradise, “you must not eat that fruit in that period of time” but when they decide to eat it, he does nothing to prevent it. It’s like saying “you are free, but you will pay the price of it”. And we all know the consequences, don’t we? Here come the two idiots. Sin is a great teacher, who thought me a lot, “Such fools! They thought they could gain knowledge by eating a fruit”. Knowledge is a process, it is laborious. It means challenging yourself. This is why they’re sent to earth, to gain knowledge, no matter at what cost. Therefore, I don’t think there’s a definitive judgment, regarding childless women…
In a society where family is key, children give purpose, and lives are centred around building a family, society is founded on family. Judaism is the first to found its social life on the so-called sacrifice of Isaac, which is not called that in Hebrew, it’s called “adeqah of Isaac” which means “Binding of Isaac”, it’s the representation of a sacrifice not carried out, and what happens instead? Abraham declares to the world, thaks to the alliance of generations, that children do not belong to fathers, they belong to society, to the future, in fact, Isaac is going to marry outside of his tribe. Society is founded upon an alliance of generations, where the strongest and main one is the family. Therefore, where families are closed-off, shut, society is closed-off, shut. Judaism finds in the “Talmud” its other part of the Scripture, called the oral Torah. The written part is “Torah shebbikhtav” and an oral part, “Torah shebé’alpé”. The Talmud, the interpretation of great scholars shows us that teachings are often contradictory and is centred around the ethics and integrity of human beings. For example, “mamzers”, the so-called half-blooded, born out of mixed marriages, is said not to be allowed to enter synagogues. Shortly after, the Talmud affirms that a “mamzer”, a half-blooded, could become the greatest of kings.
How can a king not enter a synagogue? It all comes down to the interpretation of different Bible and Talmud scholars, because belief has to evolve through contradictions also through outrageous interpretations, that trigger a higher interpretation. Therefore, Judaism is extremely interesting, and is unbelievably complex and extent. And so that means…. Once I was speaking to an orthodox rabbi who had had 17 children with the same wife, mind you, for Judaism women can take contraceptives. Men can’t, but women can. It was her choice to have that many children. It was a choice. But anyway, once I thought rather bitterly, that there’s a Yiddish saying that goes, “a childless man is not accomplished, he’s half a man”.
The rabbi told me, thanks to my words and speeches I must have many children, inspired by what I have to say. Educating is the main task of a father, not just inseminating, a father’s duty is to educate and teach. He was an orthodox man, which means you can be a father, if you take on the responsibility that fatherhood involves. I organise meetings in schools and universities with young people, and years after, I still receive emails from people who were touched by the way I welcomed them, I will never get tired of engaging with the youth, There are many ways of being fathers and mothers. In Christianity, nuns are a good example, as we call nuns “mothers” or “sisters” even though they’re not. Do we really dare to say that Mother Theresa was an infertile woman? I bet nobody does. At the end of the day, this seems to be the same old intimidatory power rhetoric, using arguments to spread close-mindedness and to favour the people in power of the ideology. Outside of this ideology, the concepts of mother and father are nobler. After all, some biological parents, and I’m purposely using a strong term, really suck.
They weren’t even able to parent their own children, they don’t deserve to be called as such.
But just because they provided the means for creating a life, a uterus that bore a creature for nine months, without really understanding the meaning of pregnancy, or a father who lent his sperm, is this enough to be parents? Obviously not. Clearly, some consider the act of generating, strictly speaking, an added value as such. But I don’t agree. It’s my opinion, of course. I don’t think that’s the case.
Fatherhood and motherhood are based on feelings, emotions, actions, and mostly on the transmission of knowledge and ethics. That is what being a parent is founded on. There are many ways of being parents. Two friends of mine, who I consider ones of the greatest examples of parents I have ever met, adopted 3 children from Belarus. They have been heroes. What natural parent would have the courage to do so? Of course, some natural parents adopt too, but what does it mean? I believe that there’s no reason to discredit people who made different choices from what is considered right. There is not right or wrong. Different choices can be made.
There’s this great passage, I think in the “Pirkei Avot”, a Jewish text with the maxims of the Fathers, that goes, “don’t judge your neighbour, unless you’re in their shoes”, and if I may add something this in my own words “and when you find yourself there, you no longer feel the urge to judge”.»

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