In Washington DC, Sarah and Elisabeth, not yet in their twenties, discuss their respective evolving positions on motherhood, drawing on the experiences of their mothers and them as daughters. Many topics are addressed, from the maternal instinct to personal fulfillment, passing through taboos and freedom, in a testimony that is a hymn to diversity and self-determination for each woman.
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Ecco la trascrizione completa del video:
SARAH: «My name is Sarah, I am 17 years old. I was born in Hartford, in Connecticut and I grew up in Albuquerque, in New Mexico.»
ELISABETH: «My name is Elizabeth, I am 19 years old. I was born in Lugano, in Switzerland but now my family lives here in Washington DC.»
ELISABETH: «When I think of women, I think of a lot of mother figures, I think about the most important women in my life and they’re definitely mothers, like my mother, my grandmother… I think it has such a huge role on who we are as women and I think all women have a natural desire for motherhood, even if it’s not your own personal children, like if they are not your biological children, I think each woman does have a desire for motherhood whether it be, for example, through mentorship programs or adoption, or even being a school teacher or a daycare person. I think every woman has that desire to care for someone and I think it is an innate thing we as women have. But I don’t think it has to be your child. I don’t think that is a requirement.»
SARAH: «Yeah. I agree and I think that another huge thing is that a lot of women in our society, at least young people, feel the need to be really rebellious and angry by saying things like: “I don’t want to have children, you can’t tell me what to do”, but I feel like we should get to a point where you don’t have to be like that, where you don’t have to be so outwardly opposed to it all and you can just say “I don’t want kids” and nobody judges you for that, but I know that is not a thing. Especially nowadays, I feel like everybody is always hyper aware of what they’re doing and hyper aware of how other people think, so if you do something wrong or something that people do not necessarily agree with, often people won’t say anything to you because that’s our society, it is so politically correct now.»
ELISABETH: «Yeah. Especially in America. In other countries it is very different, for example my dad is European and he grew up in Switzerland and it’s really a different thing. In Europe, specifically with my Italian grandmother, there is so much more pressure to have children. If I were to tell her that I don’t want to have kids it would be a really big thing, but at the same time it’s not something necessarily talked about. I think it might just be… Not too much in the American society as in other cultures, but there’s this underlying known thing that women are supposed to have children unless they are sisters or something like that. I think it really is a big thing in our societies, especially because women are the ones who can carry children, which, I think, a lot of the time is forgotten about. It’s like… Being a mother is a very important thing and it’s really hard, it is kind of a big burden since it changes the scope of your life, everything: your body, your social status, the way your family makes such a huge impact on you, and often people forget about that when thinking about motherhood. I have heard people say: “I’m scared of it, I don’t think I’m cut out for it”, but in reality we all have this innate thing, we as women were made to create children and that doesn’t mean that you have to but it does mean that we all have… not the responsibility, that is not the right word, but we all have the ability to, so it shouldn’t be something that everybody has an opinion on. I think it really is the woman’s decision in the end if she’s going to have the child or if she’s not going to.»
SARAH: «I don’t think anybody is born more or less predisposed to be a good mother. I think that it’s the way you’re raised and, also, the expectations that people have for you, so we grow up thinking: “I’m not going to be a good mother, I’m not going to do this well…”, but everybody parents differently. There are things that all parents should do, but there are so many things that each parent can do differently. That’s why we all grow up differently.
I feel like if that was more known, if more people recognized that not all people parent the same way – and that’s okay – then people would be less stressed about being a parent in general.»
ELISABETH: «Yeah.»
SARAH: «That would also take off some of the pressure of being a mother and the need to be a mother when people say: “You’re such a motherly person, you should have kids…”»
ELISABETH: «Yeah, there’s this idea of a “cookie-cutter perfect mother” and there isn’t one…»
ELISABETH: «People have said to me before: “You will be a great mom, I can’t wait till you have kids” and I think that’s a beautiful thing and I want to have children – it’s not that I am opposed to it – but also I feel like it’s kind of weird that people feel like they have the ability and that they’re in a place where they can tell you that. It’s kind of weird, people comment on that too much. I love the idea of being a mother and if that’s what I’m supposed to do in life I will embrace that, but at the same time I don’t think it’s everybody else’s responsibility to tell me how I’m supposed to do it. I don’t know, I’m not a fan of that, for example when they say: “You’re going to be a great mom!”»
SARAH: «Me neither, they think they have the right to tell you that.»
ELISABETH: «Thank you but maybe I don’t want to be a mother.»
SARAH: «The other thing is that a lot of celebrities too nowadays are conveying the message of: “You can do it all, you can be a mother and you can have a great career”. But honestly the kind of career I’m studying to do it’s a full-time thing, so I do want to do a lot of that, like you said, I want to do a lot of that before I get into having a family, because for me a family would be a full-time thing too. You know, caring so much about my children, my family and my household and obviously I would still focus on my career, but it would be different, and it’s different for women!»
ELISABETH: «Yeah.»
SARAH: «That’s why we have maternity leave… Because it’s so important to be there for your children. It’s okay if you want to have it all, if you want to have a career and you want to parent at the same time, but everybody does it differently. It’s not going to work for everybody like that.»
ELISABETH: «I feel like… My mom was a stay-at-home mom and that made a huge impact on my life, just like coming home and having her there, and I would love to be able to give that to my children but at the same time I would like to have a career at some point so I’m trying to figure out how that would work. Granted I’m not married, I don’t have any children so I can’t really gage up, I’m just thinking about it in advance and wondering: being me individually, with my strengths and weaknesses, am I in a position where I could have a professional career and have children and be able to fully give myself to my children? Because I don’t want to be a negligent mother. So, if I were in a position where I can’t give my all to my children, I wouldn’t want to have children because I want to help them form into incredible human beings, like when you look at people and… Some of the greatest people I know had excellent parents, so I feel like that it is such a huge important thing that I wouldn’t want to have children if I were not in a position where I could properly care for them and properly help them.»
SARAH: «I don’t personally feel like I have the right to be a mother just because I’m a woman, just because I have the physical things that allow me to do that. It’s such a privilege to bring someone up in this world, it’s so much work, that in itself it’s such a huge job and I feel like a lot of the times people think: “You’re a stay-at-home mom, that’s not something you should be doing, let’s get rid of that stereotype!”. But it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, it can be something you’re proud of and something you want to commit to. Because bringing somebody up and forming who they are and how they’ll affect this world, that’s a huge job!»
ELISABETH: «Yeah.»
SARAH: «That’s a lot of pressure and it’s okay if it’s not for everyone.»
ELISABETH: «We were talking about the American society and how it doesn’t put… not restrictions but… when people comment about if you should have children or not… But I feel like just listening to what you’re saying… In our society, more than thinking “Should you have children or not?” it’s how you should act when you have children and the fact that the stereotype of stay-at-home moms is oppressive to women, when in reality it’s not! My mom was a stay-at-home mom, as well as my grandma. Not all women, unfortunately, can have the ability to do that or choose to do that but it’s like… It’s not a bad thing! It’s not a bad thing to want to stay home and to take care of your children, to cook for them… and just being in that position is a full-time job. People, a lot of the time, look down on that choice as opposed to choosing to have children or not to have children in general. That is probably one of the biggest negative aspects of the American society that aren’t necessarily found in other societies. In Italy it might be that there is this pressure to have children and to be that great stay-at-home mom, whereas in America it is kind of looked down on to be a stay-at-home mom who chose not to have a career to just take care of her children and not everybody, unfortunately, has the ability to do that or necessarily that’s the best thing for them, but I think it is such a beautiful thing for women to be able to do that. That all being said, especially thinking about women and childless women, I definitely think that in any situation where a woman is presented with a child, that is put in a position where she could be a mother, I feel like a lot of the time it’s really hard for women to choose to be the mother in that situation, I mean having to choose being a mother over career, but I really think that’s important when there is a child to take our responsibility as women to care for that child, especially if it’s our own, like if it’s a surprise pregnancy or whatever it might be, I think it’s really important as women to step up and take care of that child even if it’s not your own, you know? Like grandparents who would take care of their children’s children and things like that, I think that’s really important, just because they are in such a fragile phase and can’t take care of themselves.»
SARAH: «There’s also this other aspect of it that’s kind of medical. So… A lot of younger women these days, especially in America and in more liberal cultures, feel the need to make a statement a lot of the times, for example I know women who have had their uteruses removed because they don’t want to have children, and I… the way that my mind works for that, for me anyways, would be like: “I wouldn’t do that, what if I change my mind down the road?” Because it has changed, throughout my life I’ve thought “I want to have kids” and also “I don’t want to have kids” so I never know what happens in the future. But if you were ever to say something like that even in a friendly way, even if you’re pitching an idea to somebody before they make such a huge biological change to themselves, you’ll get shut down for that because you’re not letting the woman be independent and live for herself. But you are letting her live for herself, but for her future self.»
ELISABETH: «Right.»
SARAH: «Obviously everybody is different and everybody has different values, but I could never bring myself to do something like that because I never know what will happen down the road. I also think about all those women who can’t have children and even if I don’t end up having children I would be able to do that for somebody else.»
ELISABETH: «Yeah.»
SARAH: «If I don’t want to have children but I can carry a child for others, for example if one of my siblings can’t have kids or something like that, it would be such a huge privilege to do that for somebody. I think that there is stigma around that kind of thing but it’s a child, you know?»
ELISABETH: «Yeah. It’s not like a dog, it’s a human being!»
SARAH: «Yeah.»
ELISABETH: «I completely agree. Earlier… This is totally changing topics…»
SARAH: «Let’s go.»
ELISABETH: «You said your mom is a neurologist so what was that like for you? I mean, my mom was a stay-at-home mom so it’s a totally different experience.»
SARAH: «So… My mom has always had a full-time job ever since I can remember, she was always at work, she really worked so hard. But I also remember her being there with me all the time, you know? Luckily, I grew up at a time when she was still doing her residency, she was still educating herself going to school, so she still had time to be with us. And she still does, even throughout her entire career, even as she develops years and years into her professional career. It was different because it was my dad who stayed home. He had his job, he had school, but he was the one who was at home with us all the time. But we all understood it, it was for her education, it was for this dream career she wanted and all of us never stopped supporting her in that because she always supported us. So, she is kind of the embodiment… When I think of somebody who has it all – like the women with the career and the family – I think of my mom. But I personally don’t know if I would be able to do it the same way. Just because she was raised in a completely different culture than I was, her parents feel completely differently than I do, and from the moment she was born she was brought up in a culture where women had to have it all to be noticed. I don’t have that pressure, and I’m really grateful I don’t, because I can pick what I want to do and have more leniency in it. But at the same time, sometimes I wonder: if I were presented with the opportunities that she’s had, would I be able to do it all? Honestly I don’t think so, because I’ve never had that pressure.»
ELISABETH: «I feel like a lot of the time we forget too that all women are different until you hear of situations like your mom’s, who had all these incredible opportunities, and she was able to take them, but would we be able to do it? I think of all the different women in my life who have taken different paths and have done different things with their lives, it’s just like… I am astounded by some of the things that these women are able to do. One of my aunts just had her seventh baby and this woman is on fire! She is a homeschooling mom, her house is immaculate, she handmakes bread, her children are brilliant, she hosts music nights and plays and she’s just the most incredible woman ever! I look at her and I think: “Wow, I would love that” but at the same time I don’t know if I could do that. Then I look at my friend’s mom who had three children, and she was a realtor and a dental hygienist, and she cooked, cleaned and took care of her children. This woman who chose a totally different career path is also such an inspiration to me. So I look at all these different women, like my own mother, we grew up in a foreign country and my dad worked all the time. She has had the ability to help us grow as individuals, there’s five of us and that’s a lot of people. So, I’m looking at these different women and the way they have been able to fulfill the things in their lives by choosing to do completely different things, so I feel like there isn’t a cookie-cutter mother, there isn’t a cookie-cutter woman that we all have to fit into. I think not all women are cut out to live the same life. I don’t think I could have a professional career and have children; I just don’t think I would be able to divide myself that way. But that doesn’t mean that other women can’t, like your mom who was able to be your mom and a neurologist, that is incredible! But I don’t think I could do that.»
SARAH: «Me neither.»
ELISABETH: «I don’t think I have the strength for that.»
SARAH: «Exactly.»
ELISABETH: «It’s really interesting, it’s such a unique thing to think about.»
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